The Grinch’s Guide to Dismantling the Holidays

DEC 05 - TP the Cafe

We will begin at 4:00pm. Please do not use actual toilet paper. We’ll need that for other things. The perfect material for crushing spirits happens to be paper. Bonus points if you fold that paper into triangles first. Extra bonus points if you cut out tiny shapes too.

We’ve already seen to snatching joy from elves and turning it into green punch for all mischief-making volunteers. And afterward, if we’re feeling really rowdy, Paul will be leading a Bad Santa Pub Crawl out into the streets of Pioneer Square. Dress as imposter Santas all day (because a Santa surplus diminishes Real Santa’s specialness) OR pop on a Santa hat as we roll out the door.

DEC 08 - Come Together as Grinchi

Some think that the plural of Grinch is Grinches. They are mistaken. It’s Grinchi. From the Latin, Grinchus.

This night, we will come together as Grinchi and will properly kick-off our month of mischief. Dress however you like. We will practice common holiday traditions and expose ourselves to traditional holiday décor so as to better understand it. So as to better destroy it.

The NINETY, 5:30pm.

Additionally, the people of Whoville would like to remind you that your YWCA family adoption gifts are due today.

DEC 09 - Introduce an Anti-Holiday Dress Code

Jeans? Jeans are for soft-hearted folk who believe that snow and jingle bells chase all your cares away. Jeans have 5 pockets: four for storing hot cocoa and one tiny one for mini candy canes. To these Jean Believers, we say: YOUR JEANS CAN’T SAVE YOU! Today we will wear our softest pants. If you feel like you’ve tricked your coworkers into thinking that you’re properly dressed for work—all the while feeling like you’re wearing pajamas— then you’re doing it right.

To celebrate our sartorial coup, we’ll be watching a movie and eating popcorn—saving our strength for the next phase of Operation: Holiday Take-Down.

Movie time: High noon.

Lastly, the people of Whoville would like to invite everyone to Greed for YWCA gift wrapping. Come by at any time, to Whovilleans you’re always welcome.

DEC 16 - Fill Our Tummies with Mischief Fuel

What is Mischief Fuel, you ask? Mischief Fuel is pure evil mixed with sugar, cut with eggs and baked in roundish discs of golden goodness. Err… evilness. But this pure evilness isn’t complete without some of the most dastardly cheer-killers around: sprinkles. Never once was a jar of sprinkles opened without the little scamps flying everywhere, ne’er to be seen atop a cookie, but to be spotted every day henceforth. Stuck to the bottom of your sock, in your underwear drawer, behind you right now.

Devious, indeed.

After cookie decorating, we will color. (Need I remind you that coloring is one of the quickest ways to get back at the holidays. Holidays = snow = white. Color your white paper with all you’ve got. Color it good.)

Oh, and there will also be time for team portraits. To commemorate our successes thus far. Coordinate with your team and dress in accordance with the holiday’s worst, most awkward family portraits.

DEC 23 - Take the Gifts Back

In which we play-act the denouement, only to destroy it.

Okay okay, we’re still working this one out (a plan of this magnitude takes time), but the most important things you need to know are: 1) there will be gifts and 2) those gifts will be delightfully, demonically steal-able. 3) Matching pajama sets should be worn, since they are the quietest clothes for sneaking.

Stay tuned.